CORY DOCTOROW > INSTITUTIONAL CRISIS

Be it resolved that the Guild of the Giant Wavering Tentacle of the
Unholy Bogey-Rag:

1. Is formed on this day, Saturday the fifth of March, 2012

2. Consists of:

a) Amir, AKA Glort, the Massive and Auspicious Dwarf of Extremely
Powerful Axe-Hurling and Ankle-Biting

b) Chris, AKA the HRH Prince Mishkin, Supreme and Undefeated Barbarian
Lord of the Pickle Creatures of Outer Hebredies

c) Warren, AKA His Holiness, the Very Reverend High Priest of Clotho,
the God of Lint, Smiter of the Unbelievers and Bearer of the Holy
Static-Brush

d) Arturo, AKA Khey-Press-Toe, Ancient and Mystick Seer and Lobber of
Extremely Wicked and Impressive Spells

3. Undertakes a variety of missions, quests, raids, etc. etc., for the
purpose

a) of slaughtering squillions of monsters, mini-bosses, mega-bosses

i) and players who were daft enough to opt for Righteous play

I) rather than the eminently sensible and extremely fun Unwholesome play

b) of amassing great, mind-boggling fortunes of gold, swords, epic
items and other useful bits of kit such as may be discovered on the trail

i) or looted from the corpses of the fallen

4. This Constitution shall constitute the whole and entire Understanding
between the Guild’s members

5. This Constitution can be amended by simple majority vote at any
virtual or physical meeting at which three quarters of the Guild
membership is present

6. This Constitution shall satisfy Ms Dunwitty’s Civic Engagement class
term assignment: “To produce a meaningful Constitution for a group of
your friends who are undertaking a collective task.”

7. There is no clause seven.

#

The March Ten, 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the Guild
Hall in the Fibonacci Spiral Fortress on Gunnarsen Island:

I. Wealth looted or otherwise acquired through play shall be *evenly*
divided, regardless of which player scored the most damage

II. If you aggro a monster without first consulting your teammates,
you’re on your own mate!

i) Better *ask* next time, Chris, you weejit!

III. Anyone in possession of a healing spell *must* use it when a
teammate is below 30 percent health, *even if* the spells are really
hard to recharge

i) Warren, I’m looking at you

IV. Guild members are free to play and quest with anyone they want,
regardless of affiliation, provided that this play does not interfere
with scheduled Guild raids

i) Even if it’s your girlfriend, Amir

V. Arturo will not turn every argument into a set of Constitutional
amendments

i) Just the important ones

#

The March Twenty Fifth, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority (one
abstention) at the site of the Battle of the Flaming Everything

Z. Amir’s girlfriend is not crap

srqt(-1). However, her toon certainly is

Y. The Guild shall devote one raid in three to leveling friends’ avatars
so that we can all play together

Pi. Guild members may also level their own alts on these raids

e. And it’s perfectly OK to preferentially twink your alts or your
friends’ avs

X. Fireballs have a time and a place

i. And that place is *not* when the rest of the Guild is standing in a
tight knot around a Gasbag Dragon

e^i. Arturo, pay attention

#

The April thirty, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority at the
Tennessee Kebab Shack on Hackney Road:

1. We will not power-level other players’ toons for money

#

The May second, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority behind the
Haggerston Park tennis courts:

A. The April thirty, 2012 Amendments are hereby repealed

#

The May fifth, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority at the Caves of
the Undead:

1. The Guild shall accept payment for power-levelling services

2. Payments for power-levelling shall be deposited in the Guild PayPal
account

3. Any member may withdraw his share from the PayPal account at any time

a) All Guild members hold an equal share in the payments for
power-levelling services

4. Clause Y of the March Twenty Fifth, 2012 Amendments is hereby repealed

a) Guild members must bring their most powerful toons on
power-levelling raids

5. Before Power-Levelling payments are deposited to the Guild PayPal
account, players will receive the following reimbursements:

a) For each healing spell cast: the lesser of £0.50 or the present cash
price for a full set of healing spell ingredients at the Coke GameZone Store

b) For each fireball or other offensive spell cast: the lesser of
£0.30 or the present cash price for a full set of offensive spell
ingredients at the Coke GameZone Store

6. Players with offensive-capable pets will receive an extra 0.5% share
for every power-level in the pet, to be paid equally from all other
players’ shares

7. Chris is the official book-keeper for the Guild, and he will keep the
Guild’s books on a group-accessible Google spreadsheet, and he will
balance all accounts weekly

#

The May seventh, 2012 Amendments, failed to pass in a deadlocked 2-2 tie
by Skype conference

1. Chris is no longer the book-keeper for the Guild.

2. All Guild members will serve a rotating turn as book-keeper

#

The May thirtieth, 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the
Guild Hall in the Fibonacci Spiral Fortress on Gunnarsen Island:

1. During half-term, the Guild will engage solely in “fun play,” rather
than paid work

2. Chris’s term as book-keeper will only last until end of summer hols

#

The September 17, 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the
Fortress of the Giant Wavering Tentacle of the Unholy Bogey-Rag,
Damnation Island:

1. No Guild member shall withdraw more than £1000.00 from the Guild bank
without notifying the entire Guild in advance

2. Power-levelling clients shall be tiered thus:

a) Tier one, top priority: Any power-levelling job paying more than £75

b) Tier two, medium priority: Any power-levelling job paying £50 or more

c) Tier three, bottom priority: Any power-levelling job paying less
than £49.99

3. Epic items are *not* included in power-levelling services; any epic
items or other rare drops acquired on a paid mission are Guild property,
and are to be sold as soon as possible for cash, to be deposited in the
Guild PayPal account

4. Guild members may pass on raids for one night per week (for
revisions, mocks, family obligations, dates) without penalty. Additional
nights off can be purchased by forfeiting £100 (per night) from the
player’s share of the Guild’s accounts

a) Religious holidays observed in a house of worship with the player’s
family are exempted from this rule, provided they are bona fide
observations, as confirmed by Wikipedia

5. Guild warboss status is limited to the four existing members.
Additional players who join us on raids do so as junior or adjunct
members, not entitled to a vote.

6. The Guild members pledge themselves to the health of the Guild as a
business and promise to work to ensure its profitability

#

The October Half Term 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at
the Fortress of the Ultimate Power Guild, Damnation Island:

1. Henceforth, the Guild shall be known as the Ultimate Power Guild

2. This name shall be reflected in all advertising and commercial materials

3. Discussion of the Guild at school or home is discouraged

i) The First Rule of the Ultimate Power Guild is No One Talks About the
Ultimate Power Guild

ii) Yes, yes, Amir, we know, technically the first rule is “Be it
resolved that Guild Giant Wavering Tentacle of the Unholy Bogey-Rag is
formed on this day, Saturday the fifth of March, 2012”

a) No one likes a smart-arse, you know

#

The New Year’s Amendments, passed January 1, 2013, by unanimous consent,
at the Fortress

1. Losses to the Guild arising from rules enforcement by Coke GameZone
will be absorbed evenly by all players

2. In order to minimise future risk, each Guild member will maintain an
equal number of Righteous and Unwholesome toons, levelled to the same
point, and power-levelling runs will rotate back and forth

3. Additional assistant players — such as those recruited by Amir’s
girlfriend or Arturo’s little brother — are to waged at a 30 percent
share of any missions they complete without direct Guild oversight

i) With the Guild retaining a 70% commission for the use of Guild
training, brand, etc

4. Assistant players are not Guild members, and as such do not get a
vote in Guild business

#

The February three, 2013 amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority, at the
Fortress

1. Arturo is no longer a member of the Guild

2. No Guild member shall communicate Guild business to Arturo

3. Arturo is not entitled to any further share of Guild wealth

4. Any Guild member who exposes the Guild or its members or assistants
to discipline from schoolmasters, parents, GMs, etc, shall be liable to
immediate expulsion from the Guild

#

The February ten, 2013 amendments, passed by a 2-1 majority, at the Fortress

1. Arturo is hereby reinstated

2. Warren is no longer a member of the Guild

#

The February 17, 2013 amendments, passed by unanimous consent, at the
Tennessee Chicken Shack, Hackney Road

1. All assistant players are sacked, immediately, with no compensation
or notice

a) This includes girlfriends, siblings, etc

2. Any former assistant who:

a) interferes or attempts to interfere with Guild business in-world,
including, but not limited to,

i) grassing to GMs

ii) aggroing monsters

iii) directly attacking Guild members or their clients

b) publicly discusses Guild business or finances

c) Agitates for the right of assistants to participation in the Guild,
its finances or decision-making process

Shall be classed a “Guild-enemy”

3. All Guild enemies are liable to immediate attack, termination and
looting in-world

4. Players shall not have contact, including phone or IM, with Guild
Enemies in the real world

5. Violating clause 2 is grounds for immediate classification as a Guild
Enemy, and this extends to family and friends

#

The March half-term amendments, adopted at St George’s School for Boys,
by unanimous consent

1. Effectively immediately, the Guild is dissolved

2. Any funds remaining in the Guild PayPal account are to divided
equally among remaining Guild members

3. Guild members who are incarcerated are not eligible for this payment

4. No former Guild member shall grass on another former Guild member

5. All Guild-enemies are hereby pardoned

6. No former Guild member shall attack a former Guild-enemy in-world or
in real life

7. Former Guild members shall not have contact with one another

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